this is ina

This is something that I wrote 3 years ago when my birthday was upcoming.

Birthday Blues

There is one day in every year that’s supposed to be your special day — your birthday. But for me, more often than not, this is usually the time of year when I get the birthday blues.

When you are a child, a birthday is always something to look forward to. It becomes a special day full of fun, laughter, and surprises. You can expect a party where all your family and friends will be gathered, noisily singing “Happy Birthday” and sharing in your happiness. A birthday cake and lots of balloons complete the setup. And don’t forget the gifts. This was always my favorite part. You finally receive a coveted toy that you’ve been not-so-subtly hinting at for weeks on end.

On your day, everyone conspires to make you feel special. It starts with a surprise when you wake up until a final birthday greeting when you are tucked in at night. But as you grow older, birthdays become less of a big deal. And this is when the birthday blues first start to occur.

It begins subtly at first. You feel a little twinge of disappointment when you wake up and there’s no birthday surprise. No gift at your seat at the breakfast table, no balloons or flowers to start your day. But everything becomes all right when your family greets you and reminds you of the exciting birthday party you have scheduled for the afternoon.

A year or so later, your parents plan a simple family get-together for your birthday instead of the McDonald’s Under The Sea party package that you were hoping for. You feel let down, but your parents tell you that they know you’ll understand, what with your family’s economic situation and all. And soon, you start to forego the party altogether in lieu of a gift or two.

That is when you start to notice that you don’t look forward to your birthday as much as you used to. Then, you start feeling a bit down on or slightly before your special day. Until the full-fledged birthday blues set in.

I remember one particularly severe attack of the birthday blues back in college. It was my birthday and my best friend was also feeling depressed for reasons of her own. The two of us had such a sobfest in the back of a bus while on our way home. It was a good thing she happened to have a chocolate dessert with her so we were able to cheer ourselves up somehow. (Chocolate always seems to work well that way.)

Lately, my birthday blues haven’t been that bad. Although I still don’t feel happy and excited on my birthday which most people expect me to be. A few weeks before my birthday I start hoping that this year will be different. But then my birthday finally rolls around and nothing has changed. The world still looks the same, maybe even a bit duller than usual. I start getting depressed and I become hypersensitive about every little thing. It’s another classic case of the birthday blues.

I’ve come to realize that the birthday blues occur not because of the lack of a celebration, or gifts, or anything of the sort. It is not the gifts themselves, but what they stand for. When a lot of effort goes into making your birthday special, you feel that you are special too.

Consequently, when your birthday doesn’t seem to mean much, you somehow get the sense that maybe you’re not that important either.

So how do you get past these feelings? I’m still trying to figure that one out. Maybe the first step is to acknowledge your feelings and to do something constructive to get it out of your system. That’s what I did, and the result is what you’re reading right now.

Another possible strategy is to count the hours until your birthday is over. And when the day after your birthday finally dawns, the world as you know it will still be the same. But at least it isn’t your birthday anymore. So the feeling of sadness doesn’t count as the birthday blues. It’s just plain old depression. But that’s another story altogether.

My solution this year: keep expectations low, and stick to the usual routine. For me that means going to work on my birthday.